by Juice on May 10, 2013

Post image for ALLLIIIVVVEEEEE. (really.)

Alive, yesh alive. No Romanians or Russians or any other eastern bloc types have done me under.  And thank you so much for asking!  Sadly, I have just been AWOL. Thank fully, Amanda of the the sassy, fantabulous, super bubble poptastic Southern Unbelle” has put me in the box.

2 minutes of shame and them I will be free? Yesh I sure hope so. but let’s face it. Probably not.

Cats & Pajamas- thank you ‘Manda for caring! How can I explain why on earth I haven’t written in 3 weeks. I’ll let you pick your favorite excuse, from those below- or just write your own in:

1. I took a mind numbingly insane, terribly difficult temp job (while in an endless interview loop trying to get my almost perfect permanent job) working for a law firm where on Day ONE (1) I was introduced to a partner/owner who is best described by the name of my all time 19th favorite name for a band: “One Eyed Wille and the Penis Pump Proselytizers” who continually pushed me to sigh a waiver of the company sexual harassment policy so I could work on distribution agreements for penis pumps. I worked 60-70 hours a week for these people, while also working for an inept and insane side client. And had to interview several times. Then I go my permanent job offer and have spent the last few weeks trying to wrap up the crazy to prepare for what I hope is a job I will have for a very long time: Bearstain Bear Number 3 at Knott’s Berry Farms (The one that plays a banjo).

2. I spend all my free time praying 5 times a day to the hockey gods not only to help my Red Wings into the playoffs, but to get past the mighty mighties and that damned Goldberg. Spend any extra time shouting from the hilltops about how proud I am of my Detroit Red Wings this year, how much they have accomplished, and how hard it is to decide whose more amazing: Pavel Datsyuk or Jimmy Howard. #redwingfanproblems.Redocto

2A. Spend all my time trying to figure out how to replace sad, depressing, horrific DRW tradition of tossing octopi onto the ice during the NHL Playoffs with the tossing of sparkly, bedazzled bikini tops and or red bras. (Stop killing octopi, they are intelligent beautiful animals that do not deserve to die. KTHXBAI)

3. PCP Binge with Wayne Brady and Denis LeMieux.

4. Busy signing 100′s of copies of my book which I am too lazy to plug here, even though I just wrote the perfect set up.

5. Deep depression about the status of my “writing career” given that so far I have only sold 6 copies of my book, and one was to my mom. (SIX- that is all! I can hardly believe how sad that looks in writing)

6. Six copies. That is all I have sold. 297 “friends” on FB, 69 of you here, 600+ twitter followers and all I have sold is 6 copies of the book.

7.Spent some time in Orange County Jail for wearing my F-(red wing logo) (red wing logo)-K the Ducks shirt to game 2 of the Western Confy quarter finals.

8. deep depression over fact that my Beloved Red Wings move to the Eastern Conference next year and i wil no longer be able to see them play.

9. Write in vote:

And OF COURSE its likely to stay this way for a while, since my new banjo playing job started this week and its a long drive to the “Berry”.  or because I really like angel dust. “Potatoe, potato”.

Thank you for caring, Manda. It means the world to me!



{ 2 comments… read them below or add one } May 11, 2013 at 10:04 AM

Did you really get tossed in the pokey? What was the charge?

Also, the new realignment ensures that every team will play in every stadium each year, so you’ll get the Wings in town for the Ducks and the Kings at least. ‘s most recent masterpiece..Skeletons In The ClosetMy Profile


Rev. Back It On Up 13 May 11, 2013 at 4:56 PM

It’s always great to see you, even though I hate Wayne Brady. Don’t leave us again for so long, Juice. The internet smells funny without you.


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