Oh Rev. Back it up on 13- why are you the most hilarious person/blogger/writer I know? Seriously. NOOO SERIALLY! no, really.
In a comment on Saturday’s Blog, the RBIUO13 introduced to me the idea of Sex Hats. And you all know how I love the hats. I love balloon hats, Snoop-a-loop’s green hat and Kentucky Derby Hats. You can always leave your hat on with me.
Unless you are Joe Cocker, in which case you MUST leave it on and your hat has to be a paper bag. Because you’re one ugly Mothra Faulkner.
Personally I will stick with my Kentucky Derby Hat. For now. But I must know my fair readers- if you had a sex hat, what would it be?
Would you go all Princess Beatrice or flaunt a hipster pork pie? Perhaps a jaunty fedora? Bachelorette dildo hat? Goalie Mask? Maybe Robin Hood like chapeau, tights and all? DISH! tell me your deepest darkest Sex Hat secrets.
And of course, having brilliantly suggested the “sex hat” as a phone sex topic, the RBIUO13 then reminded us that for many people, the sexytime talk- well, it can be awkward. And new Commentor “J” identified the potential for dropped orgasms and misunderstood questions involved in using a cell phone for the dirty dirty. “J” didn’t actually say as much, but I can read between the lines, and I have no doubt at least one attempt at the cell phone sexy talk resulted in “J” asking “You want me to put my foot where?”
Sure, sure I get it: awkward, embarrasing and potentially injurious. In fact, if Lance hadn’t been out of town, and therefore unlikely to see the Blog, I might not have shared so much with all ya’ll. He would not find public discussions of our sex life amusing.
I, however, am immune to the awkwardness and potential embarrassment most people understandably suffer at the hand of phone sex. There is a very good reason- not just my fortitude for humiliation. See, at age 24-ish I had the world’s most traumatic phone sex experience ever. And after that nothing phased me. Frankly, its one of my best stories and I almost exclusively reserve it for people who ply me with the alcohols, or to share at dinner parties where I have to impress. If I ever became a guest on the Craig Ferguson show or The Daily Show I would tell this story.
The ONE exception is that you can read it, if you can click a link! It is part of a short story I have posted at www.scribd.com found here: Jake’s Holidaze Slumber Party.
Sure it SEEMS like I am way too lazy to re-post it, but in reality the interwebs gods (google) will smack a bitch up for posting the same thing multiple times at different places on the nets. Also, its helpful to have people go to “Scribd” to read my stuff. I am “THIS” close to getting 7000 reads at that website, and 1200 followers. In my mind “reads” are more important than followers, so sure I might be self interested. HOWEVER:
Its worth clicking the link- I promise! And if you just won’t do it, then then here are some awesome lips phones for you to covet and some haikus for you recite, you know- when you are streaking in the quad with Joe Cocker, Will Ferrell, Snoop Dogg and your green hat on.
Licky Licky Ring
A Super Mouth Telephone
Makes your mouth happy
(dedicated to Commentor J)
I called her today
Bad reception. In her hand
was a big lipped man.
Call me, call me, call
Call me, call me any anytime
Can leave your hat on
