I know, I know. I hear you. I am about two tiger blood references away from Sheen Overload too, but dammit there may not be a more appropriate time to bust out my first “Celebrities Riding in Elevators” feature.
For some reason, 91% of my celebrity encounters occur in elevators, and FML if there isn’t a more awkward place to see Gawdamned Charlie Sheen…I can’t explain it, I can only hope to ride the wave to the shore.
Now normally I am going to make you guess who I was riding with in the particular elevator, but today you get a freebie. I bring you:
Charlie Sheen riding in elevators.
There I was- July 2005- newly transplanted to Los Angeles and working in the heart of Beverly Hills. Still doing my best to impress the new employer, I was wearing my favorite suit: black pinstripe by Elie Tahari, with a flippy 2 inch pleat on the skirt, hitting right above the knee. Oversized D&G sunnies perched on my snout, I was doing my very best blonde Jackie-O homage. And totally feeling it, by the way.
Although 4 inch stilettos are de rigueur in BH, I trotted up the staircase to the CVS @ Doheny for chocolate. Grabbing my Skor bar, I hopped in line without looking around.
As I waited my turn, the vibe in the air changed. People began to stir in an incredibly subtle way. I could not figure out what was amiss but I could not see anything. I paid for my delicious candy bar and headed for the door. Not excited about trying to head down a steep stair case again in those gorgeous but impractical shoes, I abruptly turned from the doors to head for the elevator, running -full on- into Mr. Sheen.
Stumbling back with the grace of a newborn elk, I mutter “Shit, I’m sorry.” before I realize that the man attached to that enormous noggin was Charlie Waffles.
Even though I was not a Charlie Sheen fan in any sense of the word, I had the good sense to be flustered, and – well- starstruck. I stared at his ridiculously large head. It was, twice, no three times too large for his body. All that hair too.
He gave a half grin and made a grand sweeping “after you” gesture. Impatient sarcasm or genuine bemusement- you be the judge. I headed for the elevator, walking too fast. Naturally so did Charlie Waffles, only at a much more leisurely pace, swinging his half filled CVS bag. I was- in fact dying to see what he bought. I never did figure it out.
Of course the CVS elevator was impossibly slow. Waiting and riding, and then waiting for the elevator to settle itself and the doors to creak open, all so painfully awkward. I gave it a good run, but it turns out you can only stare at the ceiling of a rusty urine soaked elevator for so long.
Must have gotten to Charlie Waffles too, because he turned to me and said “Skor, eh?” Same smart assed smirk.
Sure that was my response. I had nofa king idea what I was saying. I just wanted out. You’ll allow though, it was better than “gum would be perfection”? Maybe not.
Silence. Another 4 seconds crawl while the elevator tries to figure out how to open its own doors.
Another grand sweeping “after you” gesture and we went our separate ways.