Earthquake Prep (Thursdays): The New Phonebooks are Here!!!

by Juice on February 8, 2013

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The moment I have been relentlessly teasing you about has finally come. The day I have been waiting for longer than Keanu waited for that ice cream cone to melt in his meme has arrived. Longer than science waited for confirmation that the dinosaur extinction was caused by asteroid. FINALLY, the proof of my book, Shaken Not Stirred: the Girls Guide to Stylishly Surviving the Big One, is here!

Look!  Its a book, in book form (square), with pages made of paper that turn, front and back covers with more words and pictures, an ISBN number, pretty colors and even more words.

Lance even confirmed it.  When I brought the proof in from the mail he said, and I quote:

“Wow, that looks like a real book.”

My first review as an author. Eek!

The proof is in the pudding. And on the pages. Mmm, pudding.

The proof is in the pudding. And on the pages. Mmm, pudding.

I cannot believe what a long road this has been, honestly. It’s just crazy, the amount of work that went into this. Sure, I loved doing it. LOVED IT! That should come as no surprise since we all know that you must really love the sound of your own words to read, revise, run in excess of 25 drafts on an 150 page book that STILL HAS TYPOS.

I’ve said it before but it bears repeating: you absolutely have to be the ultimate narcissist to complete the incredibly time consuming process of self-publishing a book you expect to sell, upwardly of about 300 copies. And by “You”, I mean “me”. I have to have finally fallen down the Narci-hole.

What else explains why I am hearing a choir of angels sing: “Nar-cissi-stic. Nar-cissi-stic. Nar-cissi-stic, Narcissi-stic, Neurotic too” to the tune of Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus?

When I finalized the content of the book last Fall (October, to be precise) I had no idea what I was in for with this whole thing, what it would take to actually publish this thing. But finally I am ready to put the book out there.


As you can see, there are some problems with the cover.  Problems createspace’s crack automatic approval system didn’t catch.  And there are some major typos that I didn’t catch. In fact, the first person to email me, at correctly identifying what I have finally noticed is the biggest typo (as seen in the one of the images in this post) will get a free copy of the book.  And so this is why it’s a good idea to get a proof before you publish.

Its a book with a horribly mis-aligned cover, but still a book!

Its a book with a horribly mis-aligned cover, but still a book!

With Pages and Words and Pictures!

With Pages and Words and Pictures!

More words, pages pictures, just like in the stores.

More words, pages pictures, just like in the stores.

Its just awesomely fun to hold a copy of your own book in your hands, like you really accomplished something with all that time you sat in front of your computer. You should totally so this.

But its time to get to work, and stem the urge to run around the neighborhood with the book in hand, shaking it in the face of neighbors, hobos and strangers while shrieking “I wrote this! its my book!” And so my weekend will be spent looking for all the things I need to fix, fixing them, and then resubmitting the book and ordering another proof.

It’s totally ok. Sure I busted my ass last Fall to get the book out before the Mayan calendar ended, but once the holidays came along and we didn’t all die from a pole shift or super volcano eruption, well I got busy with holiday drunkenness. Then, the normal end of year buzz in the real estate world gave me less time to even think about finishing the publication process.

Then I was shooting for getting the book out in time for Valentine’s Day, but that probably won’t happen on account of the messed up Proof. At least not in time to have people order the book as a gift for their girl. (MISSED OPPORTUNITIES! Gah, no self-respecting publisher would ever let these kind of prime selling opps slide.)

Which brings me to a bit of an issue. Marketing, sales and men. As it turns out, there are a lot of you, almost half the people on the planet. And as it turns out, about half my readers are men. But this book is called “The Girls Guide” and its hot pink. (You see where this is headed?)

Sure the guys who know me, who read this website and who are related to me (and therefore forced to buy it or suffer horrendous bouts of intentionally imposed guilt) will have to buy it. And of course there are those who will ultimately end up buying it just to stop me from bothering them on facebook. You know, “those” guys. The FB Trolls.

Whatever Spuds Mackenzie, nice muscle shirt in your profile pic. Your Trans Am is looking cherry bro.

Its like I always say: if you want to troll facebook looking for chicks you never even acknowledged in high school, or “connect” with an ex-girlfriend  just to see if she got fat, married or ended up living with 9 cats in a van by the river, then you gotta pay the troll toll. And with me that means I am going to barrage facebook and all 300 of my “besties” “exes” and Nosy Ned-lies until each and every one of them buy the book. You gotta pay Troll Toll.

It’s the only marketing plan I have bothered to come up with.

And so other than the loyal, kind, guilt-ed and guilty, I think I have done just about everything I possibly can to render the book repulsive to men. And in all likelihood, men are a significant portion of the population who do the prepping in the family.

I don’t want to alienate men, and honestly I tried not to. You should have seen draft #6- I entirely re-wrote the whole book trying to make it gender neutral. And it wasn’t even remotely fun, funny or charming. It screamed of desperation and worse. It felt forced, as if I were “trying to hard”. There just was no funny way to make a fart joke and mention Michael Kors in the same sentence.

Ok, okaaaaaay. There totally is a way to mention Michael Kors in a fart joke, but you get my point. It felt like I had purposefully squeezed it out, just to make Heidi sad.

Do men like fart jokes as much as women like PMS jokes? Balderdash, and “Not it”.

And so I formally (and with much pomp and circumstance) deliver to the men who read this blog, and who benefit from the stuff I write regarding earthquake preparedness, my sincerest apologies. In pulling the final content together I had to make a decision and stick with a single theme. focus, hook and as it turns out I know a lot more jokes and slights of phrase, play on words about shoes and style and celebrities than I do about  guy stuff- farts .

I know, it surprised the hell out of me too! I mean- faulk, I just installed a microwave over the stove all by myself! I even drilled holes into the tile without so much as a hairline crack in the glaze. I have demo’ed a bathroom all by myself.  I have three cats and I refuse to wear slutty workout gear when I go to the gym. I drive a Volvo. Its my second one. Without Lance, my shoe collection and the fact that I once wore a skirt over workout capris when I went to the Santa Monica Stairs, no one would ever believe I was hetero, least of all my Memaw.


Geebus, what a digression. Ok, back to what matters: I get to hold my book in my hands and read through the “proof” this weekend, and that is totally exciting.

Maybe I’ll even do some thinking about how to promote the book. I already know I need 14-15 people to write reviews (good or bad, I don’t care) on, and I wonder if I will have the balls to ask Stephen Markley to review the book on his website. That poor guy- I mean my “Author Interview” related to his book was totally perplexing to him. I think he wanted to be totally pissed off, but was advised to be polite to the crazy lady. It wasn’t my fault! The interview was so uptight and boring that I had to do something to make it interesting, I have an obligation to you all not to suck worse than I already do.

Ok, Chic-as and Chic-o, shake it work this weekend. If you are in the Northeast, I hope you have plenty of booze, toilet paper, batteries and firewood. If you are in California or other warm wonderful places, I hope you have enough booze, batteries, toilet paper and sunscreen! Be safe all.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one } February 10, 2013 at 9:33 PM

Congratu-ma-lations! I will buy it, but if anyone sees it lying around I will say it’s my daughters’ (or should that be daughter’s?) Either that or I will leave it lying around, surrounded by copies of Hustler. Must keep up appearances, you know.

Again, I’m happy for you that your book is almost out in the wild. Exciting! ‘s most recent masterpiece..The Week In ReviewMy Profile


Juice February 10, 2013 at 10:36 PM

Lucky for you, you won it! You don’t have to buy it. Incidentally, whatever happened to bedazzled GI Joe?


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