EQ Thursdays are Back, With 99 44/100% More Sass.

I bet you didn’t even think it was possible (it is), “but” I am bringing EQ Thursdays back with Ivory Soap Pure Sass, like Timberlake on Jessica Biel’s Ass. (No, I don’t care how cheesy you think that rhyme may be, I am en fuego: all SASS and Jazz Hands. Visualize it, Sweetcheeks. I’ll wait).

I’ve made a New Year’s Resolution for You.

Balls out [sn]itches, balls out.

I know you.  I know how you do. I know that even if you made a 2013 New Year’s resolution, you have already broken it. You need a new one.

You are going to make your EQ kits and prep your home for disaster and potential evacuation. Yes, you are.

For cripes sakes, don’t let ‘em fool you.  SURE we survived the end of the Mayan calendar. But if Kanye “I’ma let you finish” West impregnating the Queen of Golden Showers isn’t enough to convince you that these are Apocalyptic End Times, then GAWD help you when you are floating adrift on the damn ocean drinking your own piss and crying that, as it turns out, Kevin Costner WAS a prophet.

Even if you don’t have to worry about earthquakes (and if last year was any indication, there aren’t very many of those types of people in the US anymore,), you probably have 100 year floods, sprawling wildfires, massive tornados, mudslides, Tsunami, hurricanes, super storms, or maybe you are just afraid of the spawn of golden showers. I don’t blame you.

Good gawd, do you think they will name their urine soaked inspired spawn “Taint”? Too literal?  Maybe Blue Taint, or Blue Corn Hole… man, the possibilities are endless.

99 44/100% more sass. Can you feel it?

The point is this: nearly all of us, for any or no reason, need to have a disaster plan and a “EQ Kit”, in case we have to evacuate our homes. When “The Big One” comes.

So let’s get to gettin’. Darlings, I am here for you. Together, this year we are going to get you prepared for whatever natural disaster is likely to hit your neck of the woods, eye of the hill, leg of the lake, poon of the tang.

Yes- we are going on a journey. Each week we are gonna kick start your disaster prep, within the context of earthquake preparedness (because I live in So Cal and an earthquake is the natural disaster most likely to take me out). Oh and because earthquakes are awesomely terrifying. But really it’s all about me. Or you, if you live in an earthquake prone area. Mostly me.

This week we are going to start with preserving important documents. Want to know which docs are important? You’ll have to buy my book, which is not yet available, but might be available by the end of the month. Stay tuned….So for now we’ll start slow. Five Easy Steps! That’s it for this week. Baby steps, Sassafrass. You can do this.

Preserving Important Documents

1. Go buy a portable external hard drive. A new one, not that 250GB Maxtor you bought 4 years ago when you were sure 250GB would hold everything. Go get a 1TB or 2TB portable for about $90. This is a great time of year to do this, because they are all on sale.

2. Collect your computers, Ipads, kindles, Ipods, camera memory, SD cards, flash drives.

3. Settle in front of your fireplace with a nice glass of 2009 Liberty School or Simi (Don’t bother with the 2010s- these vintners did not carry the year) Maybe you’ll enjoy a glass of 30 yr scotch or some Knob Hill, Pims and lemon. Cue up the “bad” television. Perhaps you put Dallas, a Hockey Game, Cougartown, Key & Peele, Face off or Breaking Amish on the tele. Or porn. We don’t judge here @LAJuice.

4. While getting drunk and watching “taboo” television, copy all your electronic device memory and documents, photos, videos, music to the external hard drive. Then back up each family members pcs, macs, Ipads, kindles, SD cards, Ipods. Yep, you may need the 2TB portable hard drive and Netflix to get the back seasons of Inkmaster and “Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding” for this.

5. Next Morning hangover Project: Compile physical documents that you will likely need in an emergency. Next week we will talk scanning, neat desk, cloud, because you are going to scan these important docs into pdfs and save them to your portable hard drive.  Yes you are. Because I care, that’s why.

Next week we will talk scanning options and waterproof containers to hold your Portable Hard Drive.

For now, you will have your hands full with this project. Now, go drink and be preppy. Earthquake preppy.