EQ Thursday: Super Bowl Edition.

by Juice on February 1, 2013

Post image for EQ Thursday: Super Bowl Edition.

Really Juice? First, its Friday. Second – and I hate to be the one to tell you this- despite the ‘Niners being from San Francisco, one of the most seismically active places in the US, the Super Bowl isn’t played there this year.

Thanks Paul. Nothing like getting useless Super Bowl trivia from a dead gay man.

Yesh. I am aware the Super Bowl will be in New Orleans this year, and the probability of a megaquake in “Nawleans” is about as likely as Brittany Murphy and Paul Lynde showing up at my door tonight to warn me that the US is about to break into two continents. However, it does present an opportunity to discuss what you should do if you are in an earthquake of significant impact while attending a sporting event.

And also my series on how to build your earthquake kit while doing your normal shopping seems to be the least favorite of all my blog post series’. I never would have guessed preppers could not see the humor in  $1.00 chia peen. Frankly (and excluding, DOD, Vesta, Mchi), its like I don’t even know all ya’ll sometimes.

Where were we? Oh yes- Sporting events and earthquakes.

Suppose  you are attending a Bears game at Berkeley, or a Sharks game at HP- or even a Giants game at that place that is not Candlestick  well my chica-dees, the likelihood of being trapped with thousands of your drunken team loving brethren when the Big One hits is pretty high.

UC Berkeley Stadium faultline crack

Crack is Whack in Section KK

I mean, for faulk sakes, Berkeley Stadium almost perfectly straddles the Hayward Fault line, and in fact, half of the stadium is visibly shifting north while the other half is shifting south. Do you know what to do if you are in a stadium when the Big One hits?

There you are sitting in Section KK of UC Berkeley Stadium when the Hayward starts to roll, or you are sitting in the nose bleeds at HP Pavilion when the San Andreas decides to remind us why it’s the most fearsome faultline in all of the US. People around you panic, maybe even spill over the edge of the tier. It can happen peeps. I ask you in any given year what is more likely:  a megaquake hits San Jose during a Sharks game or the Sharks make it to the Stanley Cup Finals? Case rested.

The shaking continues long enough to terrify  all the drunks most people and the masses begin to pour down to exits, over seats, maybe even falling or climbing over you- What do you do?

Do you:

1. Start throwing elbows, gratuitously punching anyone wearing a Roenick Jersey and bodychecking your way to the exits?

2. Squat down and start your videophone and upload your last words to Youtube?

3. Uncontrollably and repeatedly scream “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE ALL GONNA DIE, THIS IS IT, THE BIG ONE, ‘LIZABETH, I’M COMING, DIE DIE AHHHHHHHH” while peeing yourself a little.

The Weakest Link.

The Weakest Link.

4. Look through the panicked crowd now bottlenecking the exits and trampling each other, find the weakest link and commence to crowd surfing over the women and children this guy, until you climb over the bottleneck.

5. Duck down, cover your head and hope like hell no one tramples you.

6. Start looking for unfinished beers left behind by those currently jammed like sardines in the exit aisles.

7. Avoid ever going to a sporting event in SF, Oakland or San Jose, and give me all your tickets involving Detroit teams.

8. Stripdown naked and use the opportunity to streak across the ice/field without getting tazed.

9. Pray this is the game you “Putty” it up and can scare people out of your path as you run screaming “El Diablo” toward the exits.

10. Duck behind the shirtless fat guy knowing the crowd will part like the red sea rather than risk trampling by smelly, sweaty and obese.

11. Dive for the mascot and pray that costume is well padded.

12. Pre-emptive strike. Encourage people to think your nuts before the quake happens, so when the Big One comes, the crowds avoid you. Like this:

Or this:

or this:


Well.  Conventional wisdom and about 90% of the “experts” out there tell us that a variation on No. 5 is the answer. They tell us to stay in our seats, cover our heads and wait until the shaking stops until you can make an orderly and calm exit.

Calm. Like this Rangers Fan

Calm. Like this Rangers Fan

Of course, the odds of that happening are equivalent to the odds that the Sharks hoist the Stanley Cup in the next 10 years. (It never gets old!) Sure, you might have the presence of mind to actually duck down and cover your head until the shaking stops, but anyone thinking that crowds won’t start to rush the exits during or after the Big one is deluded. Hells bells, even the Canadians will lose their shit. Maybe not quite like those infamous ‘Nucks Fans…

So the question becomes, once the shaking stops, do you want to risk being trampled by herds of unruly drunken sports fans?What do you do? Do you listen to the experts:  Duck, cover, hold and hope for the best?


Or do you take your chances and try to manhandle the weakest of the herd and get out before the rest?

Earthquake Preparedness should never be used as an excuse to feel someone up.

Earthquake Preparedness should never be used as an excuse to feel someone up.

Only one answer. Mail your Sharks-Wings and Giants-Tigers tickets to me.

Shake it work, Chicas and Chicos




{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

DogsOnDrugs.com February 1, 2013 at 8:32 PM

“Do you know what to do if you are in a stadium when the Big One hits?”

1. Head to the concession area before they stop selling beer.

2. Whatever, I’m sure it’ll work itself out.
DogsOnDrugs.com ‘s most recent masterpiece..He’s Blown ItMy Profile


Juice February 2, 2013 at 6:10 PM

OR Head to concession before the taps break, but after the workers flee.


Vesta Vayne February 5, 2013 at 2:55 PM

See? This is why I’m not into sports. I avoid the stadium situation entirely.
Vesta Vayne ‘s most recent masterpiece..Spring BreakMy Profile


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