I wanted to call this post “Its time to talk about (cock blocking) the Motor City Mad Man”, but did not because (a) then it would be NSFW and (b) it implies that I believe the rumor that Ted Nugent has a cock.
Ted Nugent. Sigh. Because it might in some sad way legitimize his relevance on the topic of gun laws anything, I have never ever wanted to give the Motor City Moron, any credence or attention.
But this morning I watched the funeral procession of a police officer, who unnecessarily lost his life while sitting in his squad car at a stop light in Riverside on a Monday morning, working for a police force that had nothing to do with the the LAPD, the alleged subject of murderer Christopher Dorner’s psychotic ire. A 34 year old man who chose devote his life to protect and serve an often ungrateful populace died doing nothing but getting a start on his work day. A young father is dead because some clusterfaulk monster with access to guns and military/police training felt an irrational and pathological sense of entitlement.
In other words, it’s getting too hard to ignore the important things, even on a website that I desperately want to be frivolous, nonsensical and bathed in sunshine and cotton candy. LA Juice is supposed to be my escape from the tragic state of our society.
But unfortunately we live in a world where Andy Warhol was slightly off. Turns out that in the “future” every maroon, buffoon, and monster will get his 15 minutes of fame, Andy. And the Nuge is a Prime Example.
Let’s journey to the center of the mind, shall we? From what I have read, The Nuge is an “allegedly” meth using, draft dodging, self proclaimed pedo , rock musician of questionable “talent” whose mental faculties show all the signs of having been permanently scarred by the youthful indiscretions of the rock and roll lifestyle (I think the medical community and/or AA call it “Dry Drunk”). Nevertheless, Dedly Tedly is a panty waste who has become a conservative ‘authority’ whose opinions on gun control are granted public broadcast on a national stage. (SOTU, really???)
Perhaps because once in 1987 he said something eloquent (something that he probably first heard from and then paraphrased from a literate hunting buddy) OR possibly because people forgot that in the distant past he actually pontificated that gun hunting is barbaric, people have given him a platform to speak as a proponent of gun ownership.
No, really. I swear there was a time when The Nuge did NOT advocate gun ownership, even in hunting. I heard him say it.
Sure the interwebs tell us that he now owns a “canned hunt” farm where you can pretend you hunt big game and kill a fenced-in, likely tame, American Bison at close range…
And of course it difficult to know what The Nuge really means when he speaks, because his spoken words – as evidenced in any number of interviews since 1972- are routinely contradictory, except in the sense that at the given time, the particular set of “facts” he spews support whatever argument he is trying to put forth at that moment (Oh hypocrisy, you are named after an underaged girl bathed in talc aren’t you?).
But I swear, there was a time when The Nuge spoke out against guns. Sometime in the 1980’s, I absolutely remember hearing him interviewed on a local Detroit radio station when he was proud of telling anyone who would listen that he was the world most famous bow hunter. The Nuge told an interviewer that it was shameless, cowardly and cruel to hunt with a gun. He went on to seemingly espouse conservationist opinions, and say that the animals deserve a fighting chance, that is why – in his estimation- bow hunting was the only manly pure method.
At the time, I remember thinking- well that doesn’t make me despise this sick fuck so much…if he is just a bow hunter, if he is anti-gun… perhaps I was wrong about the Motor City Mad Man. Heck, maybe Wango Tango- a song about azz-faulking a girl to death- has legitimate musical value…
But like Ted’s opinions on gun control, politics and ungabunga with underaged girls, Wango Tango has no redemptive value and The MCMM needs to STFU. If only someone would Wango zee Nuge’s Tango… sigh.
Oh Juice, that’s not fair, maybe he didn’t know that song he wrote was about the joy of murdering a girl by azz-raping her.
And so after the ridiculousness of the SOTU address yesterday, I am fed up with our media and certain members of congress giving credence to the rantings of a buffoon. And this is why I am telling this story, in two parts.
Of course, if you aren’t ALREADY put off by a pathological liar (allegedly), who wrote a song about the pleasure of murder by anal sex, then you probably won’t think my story is any big deal, but Part 1 will explore how at the ripe age of 12-13, I had my first personal experience with the Motor City Mad Man, and found him so loathsome and heartless a monster, that today we’d label him psychopathic for his exemplified inability to empathize in even the most basic of human fashion.
Part 2, written for later in our week, will delve into the Piers Morgan-Theodore Anthony Nugent interview of last week, to dissect the pathetic lack of logic, nonsensical arguments and lack of intellectual discourse offered by Ted Nugent when he was asked and unable to answer this One. Simple. Question: Why should people be allowed to own AR-15 semi automatic guns?
Full Frontal Disclosure:
A.) Names and dates and some events in the following story have been changed to protect the innocent.
1.) If you haven’t guessed it already, I don’t believe a single one of you have a right under the 2nd Amendment that supersedes my right- or the rights of the Sandyhook, Aurora, Columbine, etc.. Victims- to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Additionally, I absolutely refute any interpretation of the 2nd Amendment that grants American citizens’ unfettered rights to gun ownership and I went to a top ten law school on scholarship, which is compelling evidence that I am smarter than the Nuge. In fact, barring my legal brethren engaged in regular discourse/legal practice on the Constitution, I am much more versed in the constitution than your average CNN Talk Show Host. (Ok, maybe not Anderson- that guy is pretty smart.)
2.) As a former Metro Detroiter, like many people from The “D”, I hold a disproportionate amount of pride in the fact that my hometown has given this world some incredibly unique artists, authors and world changers who have not only turned our culture and world on its head, but done so with matchless aplomb, courage and sass. I am irrationally proud that Madonna, Eminem, Rosa Parks, Jeff Daniels, Hemingway, Coppola, Michael Moore, Anna Sui, Mike Ilitch, Electronic Music, Iggy, MC5, Jack White, and Maynard come from Michigan. Even my 4th cousin, Alice Cooper. As a result, it is incredibly difficult for me to dislike a truly unique –and slightly nutzo- Michigan product.
B.): This story is about my personal path crossings with the Motor City Mad Man and because of them I have always maintained that he is a total asshole. No, he didn’t try to murder my 12 year old ass, I never ever went to a Ted Nugent concert. I pretty much hated the Nuge and his music in my youth, without having to actually have been in his presence. I preferred The Cure, The Smiths, Prince and The Brothers Johnson to the insidious noise that the Motor City Mad Man made. For your girl Juice, the MCMM was a loathsome and dangerous person in person, and here is why I think so.
AND away we go…
When I was in elementary school/jr. high, the most awesome Detroit Rock Station to ever live, “The WRIF”, sponsored a contest with a grand prize: Spend a weekend hunting with the Motor City Mad Man, Ted Nugent.
And a kid in my class won. A 12-13 year old kid, who we will call “Big Joe”. Big Joe was one of us misfit smart kids. But he was so much smarter and more awkward than the rest of the kids, he made Sheldon Cooper look as social, outgoing and gregarious as Drunk Joe Biden.
Today they would have tagged him with an Asperger’s or similar label. I say “label” because I do not mean to suggest I have any idea whether he would have been diagnosed medically as such, I just want to give you a sense of his personality and interactions with classmates.
Big Joe was ultra quiet and painfully shy, but always polite, responsive in class and pretty much just a good, quiet kid. At the time, he had become one of (if not “the”) youngest people in Michigan to earn his Eagle Scout. But I don’t recall anyone in my class hanging out with Big Joe at recess or seeing him at any birthday parties. He was the kind of kid who you would think regularly got the shit kicked out of him. Maybe he did and I just wasn’t aware, but it seems doubtful. It seems more likely that people just avoided him since he stood head and shoulders taller than the rest of us. In the 4th grade, Big Joe was as tall as our teacher, Mr. Damon.
6 ft tall at age 11, pop bottle glasses, braces, painfully shy and socially awkward with a last name that was easily morphed into the equivalent of “Idiot-ard”. As imposing as he was physically, it probably prevented him from getting his ass kicked or taunted by other kids but take a moment to imagine how tough that kid’s life might be, at least socially.
I don’t remember much about my interactions with Big Joe, but we both were in gifted kids science club, so we must have worked on experiments together. Mostly, I just have the memory that he was a shy, gentle giant.
I’d like to apologize for not being sensitive enough to befriend everyone when I was a tween, but I was a chunky girl in science club who wore her own pop bottle eyeglasses and came from a home that was constantly being torn apart in a violent way. I had my own shit to deal with.
What I do remember about Big Joe was that he won the WRIF “Hunting with the Nuge” Contest (I made that name up I can’t remember the real contest name). It created a huge buzz in our school and on local news.
And Big Joe, all of 13 years old, sure didn’t look it. I remember thinking they must not have figured out that he was underage. In retrospect, the most probable explanation is that his mom just signed a waiver allowing her underaged kid go on a hunting trip with the guy who “wrote” Wango Tango.
NB: These were simpler times, people. Moms smoked during pregnancy and kids were given beer to drink while they played jarts blindfolded. We didn’t know what unspeakable things could happen at any time.
Big Joe went on the weekend hunting trip with the Nuge and came back to school the next week. He did not do well with all the attention and so the whole thing could have died down quickly. However, the Nuge needed to make the most of the publicity stunt and so the Nuge gave interviews.
Interviews which we all tuned in to hear, wanting to bask in our third degree “connection” with this famous rocker. Big Joe may have even been at some of the interviews, but I don’t remember/didn’t hear then all.
Then there it was, one night on the WRIF, the interview about Big Joe and the hunting trip. It started out “ok”. The Nuge mentioned Big Joe was an eagle scout and that he was skilled at bow hunting. But then he started to laugh (maniacally) and said “Man that was one weird *bleeping* kid”. Then he repeated it several times. Bleeped every time, but we all knew.
A 40 year old man, a local and national celebrity, the self-proclaimed Motor City Mad Man, a guy who prides himself on being “out there”, broadcasting live throughout the hometown of the winner of a contest HE sponsored, absolutely knowing the kid, his family, all his friends and classmates would be listening thinks it’s appropriate to call an 12-13 year old boy “one weird fucking kid”.
Everyone in our school was talking about it. I remember feeling so embarrassed for Big Joe. Not because someone thought he was weird, but because some monster said so on the radio. That his whole town and school would have heard it. What kind of middle aged celebrity makes fun of a 12 year old kid- any kid?
A few years later I was on a date at a concert at Pine Knob, with a triple threat line up of Night Ranger, Loverboy and Damn Yankees. Or at one of the WRIF’s infamous Rock n Jock baseball games at Southfield High School- I can’t recall which… (Ok, I can but for the sake of protecting the innocent and private, I am not telling you which it was).
No, Paul, I can’t justify it. Look. I dated a lot of different guys in high school. Hells bells, just weeks before this incident I was on a date with a mohawked skateboarder trying to get into The Shelter to hear Black Flag.
Anyway, let’s say I was drunk at Pine Knob with a large group of people and the Damn Yankees were there. At some point, I dragged a couple of the girls with me to the bathroom. We saw the outrageous line to wiz, decided to try find another bathroom. Instead we found security. We did the only thing we could. We turned on our drunk girl charms and begged and pleaded to get back stage/to a different bathroom. Security was not having any of our shenanigans and told us to go in direction X. We did, until he turned away and then zipped back around and into some sort of staging area. We were in some kind of make-shift walkway/tunnel area and there was The Nuge. One of the girls with me- who was hella hotter than the rest of us- got his attention. The Nuge came over and sized her up. I stood back because I found him terrifying, but he picked up on that. Eventually he said something to me and I said: “You called my friend a weird fuck on the radio”. He snarled, “Oh yea? Who?” I told him and mentioned the contest and he said “I remember that guy. He was a weird fuck.”
Then I said ‘”asshole” and The Nuge got agitated. So I bolted and my friends followed. Sure now it’s an awesome story about cock-blocking the Motor City Mad Man, but back then I was terrified and those girls were pissed.
And the real point of telling it is to bolster my opinion that The Nuge is a psychopath. Regardless of what a middle-aged mad man thinks of a kid, its pathologically lacking in empathy for the human condition to call a 12 year old “one weird fucking kid” on the radio in the hometown where that kid lives, knowing the kid will be listening.
Geebus. After remembering and retelling that story, I feel like I ought to give Ted Nugent the 2013 Cuntessa Crown. And I need a shower. Sick fuck.
Ok, so that is the full frontal disclosure background leading up to my evisceration of The Nuge in his recent Piers Morgan interview… stay tuned for Part Deux.